omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
