I accidentally burped into my bong.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
