Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
