Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
