Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize