I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
