My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
