Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
