You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
