we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
