Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
