Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
