Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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