Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Houston, we have a blender
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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