I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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