Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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