Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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