You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
