The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
