They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
