Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just forgot I was standing up.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize