Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
