So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
