Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
