Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
