I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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