i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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