Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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