Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
