no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
