i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
