What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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