have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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