The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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