I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize