I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
