we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
