i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
