I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
sarcasm needs its own font
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
