How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
