it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
