Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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