officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize