Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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