not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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