He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
