my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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