you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i dont even know how to be here
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
