do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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