I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
porn star boner night. come get it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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