wake up i wanna do it froggy style
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
