just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
