What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
