life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
As shirtless as possible
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
