My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
