i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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