Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
