man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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