i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
