you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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