We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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