remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
someone owes me an orgasm
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
